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| From The New Republic, January 6 & 13, 1997 SOB = MC [Followed by The Einstein Letters: An Exchange] . . . . . . . . . . . . . By David Brittan Albert Einstein taught the world about the relativity of things, but now it seems the benevolent image he projected to humanity may have been relative as well. Einstein had a darker side, and it appears in personal letters that were put on display to the public for the first time last week in Jerusalem. —The Chicago Tribune, November 17, 1996 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Geneva -------------------------------------------------------------------------------July 23, 1927 Dear Planck, I am so very cross with Heisenberg. He messed up all my clothes and linen this morning while making some foolish point about indeterminacy. He protested when I asked him to leave my room, so I had to give him a thrashing [verdreschen] with my walking stick. As he made for the door, I yelled after him, “Come back here so I can hit you again!” But the coward fled. I explained all this to the police—how Heisenberg had provoked me and how, if anything, he deserved a sterner rebuke than he had received. One constable was extremely sympathetic, but in the end they let him go. Just wanted to warn you what sort of a mood he’s likely to be in if you should hear from him. Warm regards, A. Einstein -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Geneva -------------------------------------------------------------------------------July 24, 1927 Dear Heisenberg, As I was attempting to explain to you before you flew off the handle [aus dem Häuschen] yesterday, God simply doesn’t play dice. To give you an example, Schrödinger and I were having beers on the rue du Mont-Blanc the other day when I turned to him and said, “I just realized I haven’t any money on me.” “Neither have I,” Schrödinger replied. Suddenly we were approached by a blind beggar. “Kind sirs,” he said, “won’t you please help me feed my family?” I exclaimed, “Of course, my good man,” and reached into his tin as if to make a donation. In reality I removed twenty pfennig, precisely the sum Schrödinger and I needed to pay for our beers. Now what do you suppose is the likelihood that this man should have appeared purely by chance? Don’t you think this speaks pretty strongly for an orderly universe? Of course, when I put these questions to Schrödinger, he said we could always have stiffed the waitress. Bring me a new walking stick and all will be forgiven. Yours, A. Einstein -------------------------------------------------------------------Princeton, New Jersey -------------------------------------------------------------------November 15, 1933 Dear Bohr, Too bad I was unable to meet you in New York. I would have been there except for an unpleasant experience on the drive over from Princeton. You see, an elderly woman changed lanes ahead of me in such a manner as to force me to brake rapidly. Determined to teach her a lesson, I pulled in front of her and slammed on my brakes. Then I flipped her the bird [Vogel gegeben] for good measure. I’m sure you will agree that a crumpled rear bumper was a small price to pay for the revocation of the old biddy’s license. But I still feel a burning anger inside of me whenever I recall the incident. Yesterday, after having the bumper repaired, I was inspired to change the oil. Dumped the used motor oil into the Delaware River. No one seemed to mind. How I love this country! Yours, A. Einstein -------------------------------------------------------------------Princeton, New Jersey -------------------------------------------------------------------December 1, 1933 Dear Freud, Do humans have an innate lust for destruction and war? I know I do. As I was telling Bertie Russell, I’m only a pacifist to attract babes [junge Mädchen]. Bertie said, “Whatever you’re doing, keep on doing it—you look marvelous.” I said to Bertie, “Do you think my hair stays like this by itself?” and I recommended some products. He said he’d look into them. Toodles, A. Einstein -------------------------------------------------------------------Princeton, New Jersey -------------------------------------------------------------------December 14, 1933 Dear Freud, Yes, you are right—war is hell. Now would you please send me some more nose candy [Nasenkandis]. It’s not for me, mind you, but for my friend S/ / / /¨/ / / / / / , who pays me a pretty penny for it. You will be happy to know that the money I am able to raise in this fashion helps me buy new equipment, both for my laboratory and for my sideline of making and selling erotic postcards of undergraduates. Enclosing latest catalog, The Babes of Physics. Regards, A. Einstein --------------------------------------------------------------------Pasadena, California --------------------------------------------------------------------April 10, 1936 Dear Planck, An interesting development in my discussion with Schrödinger. While visiting Caltech last week, he and I went bathing at Santa Monica Beach. As we lay on the sand, he stared out at the ocean as if in a reverie. After perhaps a quarter of an hour, he broke his silence. “Notice the curious interplay of the waves,” he said. “Sometimes they join together and reinforce one another. At other times they cancel one another out, as if they had never existed.” I remarked, “Look at the hooters on that one.” Schrödinger acted as if he hadn’t heard my witticism, or even seen the luscious [zaftige] bathing beauty who crossed our path. Sometimes I think the man is a complete pansy. And, as you know, I hate pansies. Also people with disabilities. And Native Americans. With warm regards, A. Einstein --------------------------------------------------------------------Peconic, Long Island --------------------------------------------------------------------August 9, 1939 Dear Schrödinger, I am as convinced as ever that your wave representation of matter is an incomplete representation of the state of affairs. But perhaps I can be persuaded otherwise if you put something up my nose. Yours, A. Einstein _________________________________________________ From The New Republic, February 17, 1997 The Einstein Letters: An Exchange To the editors: Between the years 1905 and 1912 an obscure clerk in the Swiss National Patent Office in Bern published papers on the photoelectric effect and the electrodynamics of moving bodies that led to the special and general relativity theories. These papers forever transformed science and the world. Albert Einstein came to be regarded as the most widely recognized individual and universally acclaimed scientist of the twentieth century. The letters TNR published (“SOB = MC2,” January 6 & 13), whether authentic or a hoax, related to personality and not to scientific issues, and do not diminish his achievements. Nor is any part of his “lighter” side, as displayed in the charming correspondence with his friend and colleague M. Besso, set forth for comparison. What trifling clerk on TNR’s staff, apparently unaware of any of those aspects or achievements, could conceive of describing Einstein as a “bigger schmuck than ever” [as The New Republic’s editors characterized him in the table of contents]? The crudity of this, rather than the letters, boggles the mind. DAVID HAMERMAN Riverdale, New York To the editors: By all standards, your presentation of the Einstein letters was an outrage. As one who knew Professor Einstein and was a frequent visitor at the Einstein home, I feel compelled to express the reasons for my particular objection. Not only are these letters presented out of context of their time and place and their translation at best clumsy, at worst distorted, but one would expect a more respectful tone when referring to the ablest man of science of his generation and perhaps of this century. To refer to Professor Einstein as “SOB = MC2” and “a bigger schmuck than ever” is more a comment about TNR’s judgment and journalistic style than about the man you wish to discredit. You might have better served your public by quoting from Einstein on Peace, but that would not have been in keeping with today’s trend to demean, debase, “deconstruct” people of renown and merit whose lives and work have changed the course of history. One expected better of TNR. LAURA LOWY City withheld To the editors: Your reprints of Einstein’s letters don’t ring true at all, and I’m not sure if someone doesn’t intend this to be some kind of joke. When people engage in wrongdoing, they usually don’t describe their acts in such a succinct and cavalier fashion, and the sketchy mention of physics contained in the letters would surely not come from the pen of one so immersed in physics. BRENDA J. LEVY Melrose, Massachusetts To the editors: The page you carried titled “SOB = MC2” was absolutely charming. I personally am elated when the heroes of myth are mortally rendered; witness the recent harassment of Jesus Christ vis-à-vis gospel debunking, witness Bill Clinton the marijuana-experimenting president. Hello, America . . . George Washington grew hemp, and Jesus was olive-skinned and brown-eyed, not Aryan. Innocence is a precious commodity, but ignorance is in abundance. Information, mostly, is a good thing if it demands realistic and pragmatic thinking. It titillates me that Albert Einstein was probably an egocentric sexist. The issue of character serves to prove that people are people, great or small, famous or meek. I don’t mean to imply that Mr. Einstein’s words in those letters were laudable; they weren’t. They were laughable. Really, would being a genius stop somebody from being a jerk? More likely, it would reinforce their megalomania. In our country, we are addicted to blame. Blame is silly. Why do we demand that our intellectual and social leaders be purer in morality than we? Then, later, why do we compulsively scrutinize and denounce those same leaders for signs of fallibility? It is a sophomoric, tired irony. Laugh with Mr. Einstein, or at Mr. Einstein, but don’t resent him. Like the olive-skinned, brown-eyed Lamb may or may not have said, “Let him who is without sin cast the first relativity.” JASON CULVER Santa Fe, New Mexico To the editors: I found the article titled “SOB = MC2” amusing, but I wonder to what extent those letters of Einstein’s were translated. I doubt in 1936 people referred to Native Americans as “Native Americans,” and the same with “people with disabilities.” This leads me to believe that some of the translations may be too liberal or twisted. And could he have been using sarcasm? Just curious. P.S. Do you know where I can get a copy of The Babes of Physics? ANDREW MURPHY Earlton, New York Einstein replies: Many astute readers have inferred that careless translation, not moral turpitude, willful deception or “some kind of joke,” has created the impression of me as a malicious, coke-snorting, porn-dealing, homophobic schnorrer. To wit: an alert translator would have realized that the “bird” I described giving an elderly motorist was of the feathered kind, in this case an eighteen-pound Butterball turkey that I offered as a goodwill gesture. Similarly, Nasenkandis lacks the sinister connotations of the English “nose candy.” It denotes only a confection in the shape of a nose, similar to the “wax lips” popular among trick-or-treaters. Schrödinger’s grandchildren loved them; Freud never left home without his. Neither did I disparage “people with disabilities”—only people “en déshabillé,” ever present on California beaches. To Ms. Lowy I would add that I well remember her visits (invariably at mealtimes, as I recall) and can reassure her that I took no offense at the word “schmuck,” which, in the Einstein home, has always meant “jewel.” Indeed, Mrs. Einstein’s eyes lit up at the prospect of “a bigger schmuck than ever.” Finally, Mr. Murphy is correct that the term “Native Americans” had no currency in the 1930s. Then, as now, I reserved my disdain for “naïve Americans.” To quote myself: “Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.” The editors reply: Seriously, we realize that, in our publication of David Brittan’s parody of the Einstein letters sold at auction last November, we were perhaps not as clear as we might have been in signaling that it was a joke. So, our apologies to David Hamerman, Laura Lowy, Brenda J. Levy, Jason Culver, Andrew Murphy and everyone else whom we may have caused the slightest dismay, and our assurances that we think that the old relativist was a perfectly lovely man. db |
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